Sexual Abuse

What they must know!!!

PARENTS.-
It is not unusual that a reliable adult or teenager, mostly belonging to the family, uses a kid as sexual object, and this is not limited to marginal human groups. This kind of abuse and violation of his/her integrity goes far beyond what adults are ready to admit.  It happens in the “ best families”. It can also occur in our family. It is one of parents’ education and supervision tasks to be mentally prepared to prevent this risk situations.
In the same way as we teach them how to cross a street, to be concerned about their personal safety when they are alone, to recognize eventual or potential dangers, we also have to teach them to be on the alert ,regarding the sexual, seductive conducts of any reliable person, who can wish to use that special link to the detriment of children safety.
The sexual abuse conducts in persons under 18 are very common. One hasn’t to deny the facts in case we find out, in our close family-friends circle, a boy or girl showing evidence of this kind of situation.
To have an open attitude to listen to a sexual abuse report is the gate that a kid needs to tell very well kept secrets, due to shame, fear or guilt.
The reassuring but false opinion that kids’ fantasy is responsible for making up this kind of stories, is the best ally for the abuse to go on during years in their lives, making it more difficult to meet the person that will listen and start  protective actions.
The child subject to this type of ill treatment  is scared and keeps silent. To accuse an adult or teenager close to his family circle implies scepticism in his environment.  If that adult is the father, brother, uncle, grandfather or closest friend, the family, for sure, will be divided into two groups :  those who believe in the abuse, will try to prove it and solve it, and those who believe in the adult’s negative will not believe the child ‘s report. The child senses that he will be punished, that he will cause a serious family problem. All these factors mean a  brake to the confidence that could save the child from eventual terrible consequences  in his emotional development, in his future capacity to love and be loved in a gratifying, healthy and happy manner.
Very often, the abuse of an adult towards a boy/ girl lasts for a long time. That brings consequences to behaviour. It is likely that the kid, subject to abuse, is not a “ good kid”, it is likely that, with time and with no help, he becomes “ a bad kid”, disobedient,  always out, rebel, untidy, bad student. All this will be against him when he decides to tell what is going on. We must be on the alert not to allow that what is a consequence of a tolerated suffering be the stigma for which we don’t believe the facts he plucked up the courage to tell.

We must bear in mind that when a sexual abuse is found out, it is almost always late. It has been going on since long ago. What the kid tells usually is only a part of what is happening. Perhaps, it is the last fact that distressed him more than usual. But  what the kid tells is never the only fact. There is always a process, an evolution between the beginning of the bond sexualisation by the adult or teenager and the moment of revelation.
To stop this behaviour does not depend on the confrontation with the allegedly responsible person. Consequently, it is very important to avoid confrontations with the adult and the kid or to question him insistently, causing him to take back  what he said.  If the kid happens to feel that what he is telling causes anger, suspicion or paralysation  on the trustful adults, he will keep silent and will deny the story.
When there is a reasonable suspicion ( because an adult sees conducts that show abuse situations or  because he receives a child report of the fact), the first thing to bear in mind is that it is a very serious issue to endure it alone. Specifically trained persons in the subject should give guidelines  and assessment to be able to clear up the suspicion and to make the corresponding diagnosis , besides advising on the steps to follow to protect the child.  It is advisable to have an open attitude, a quick reaction  before consulting the specialists. Very often, there are situations that are on the edge of proper conducts in the upbringing  ( to have a bath with the kid, games where they hit each other and excessive physical contact, excessive control and care conducts) but which are not in themselves a sexual abuse. The over dimension of these conducts, together with a wrong appreciation of the symptoms shown by the kid, leads to a distortion of some children sayings, which are then crystallized in the strong belief that an abuse has been committed. The prompt report of the suspected, but not valid facts, does not favour the resolution of the conflict and distorts the actual problem. The unfounded report as well as the absence of legal response and social protection are troubles that obstruct the clarification of the problem.
The official agencies and  the phone assistance lines for family violence use to be the first orientation sources for the confusion, impotence and lack of knowledge , when this type of situation is found out.  To know that the solution is beyond the intra familiar resources and that it has to be looked for outside, is a priority to avoid the impotence situation and go towards the child and family recuperation.

THE FAMILY
A sexual abuse does not imply rape, or what is commonly expected, penetration.  The conducts included in the abuse can be kisses, touching, masturbation, genitals exhibition, pornographic photos or films, watching of third parties’ s sexual conducts. Most of sexual abuses do not include penetration of genital organs, but friction of same, so that no physical traces will be found in the anus-genital zone. Only in less than a 30% of the detected cases can be found signs of genital or digital penetration. Consequently, it is wrong to believe that because no physical signs were found during examination , then nothing happened.
Abusive behaviours by adults have an almost unlimited access to the child. This means lack of supervision by other adults on risk situations in the kid’s life. Sometimes , it is not a matter of negligence, but the result of family conditions ( one  parent is away for many hours and the other takes care of  the kids . It can happen when parents are separated and the kids visit their father. It can happen with the parent that has not the custody or with some relative who is left in charge of them.
In general, the abuse takes place when there are family problems, emotional tension, where adults feel overwhelmed by their own emotional situations and do not see the signs shown by the kids towards some situation or person. It could also be that the family difficulties lead the adults to be unavailable for the kids, and they do not feel the necessary confidence to tell the truth.  There could also be affective distance problems between parents and kids and so an adult, close to the family circle, can take advantage of this and approach them.

The person abusing a child needs his/ her confidence and love to be able to do it. Consequently, it is common that it happens between persons close to the kid. The abuser knows he is doing wrong. The moral reproach that he can feel at the beginning is not enough to make him stop.  It doesn’t matter how many times he repents from what he has done, he will go on doing it unless somebody, or even the child with his report, stops him.  The sexual behaviour with children is similar to drugs addiction, the secret strengthens it, and being aware of the damage is not strong enough to stop that conduct. The children abusers do not admit it and don’t accept responsibility for it. If they are questioned , they will deny the facts and will make the child responsible “with his lies”.
Once the abuse is found out, if it is in the family, the steps to follow are to report the fact and carry out the corresponding legal proceedings to be sure the abuser will not approach the kid.  In case the perpetrator is the father, the protection is the mother’s responsibility, who must take conscience of the discovery . The family circle is of vital importance to support those directly involved. Grandparents and uncles and aunts become  assistants during those difficult moments, when weakness is felt to respond to such a demand.
In families where the abuse takes place, one has to wonder about the possibilities that other kids have been exposed to the same situation. It is usual to find a whole group of brothers and sisters being abused by the same relative ( mainly when the father is the abuser) or different kids of the family group ( cousins) that have lived the same experience ( grandparents, uncles, cousins, as abusers).
These family abuses use to cause serious conflicts, sometimes insurmountable. Everyone will be between loyalties and the belief or not of the abuse.  Families become “ groups”, on one side those that defend the existence of the abuse and truth of the children’s reports and on the other side those who believe in the existence of lies instilled in the kids’ minds. It is important to know that the seriousness of the wounds within the family circle needs a specific approach of all the members of same to fight against prejudices, beliefs and spectres around the facts that hurt  the psychic and emotional integrity of children.
THE TEACHERS
In case of a child’s ill treatment ( the sexual abuse is one of them), there is always opportunity to act, sometimes directly, other times reporting it to the specialized  health or legal services . Sometimes we feel we cannot intervene in the solution of conflicts or risk situations, or we don’t know what to do, or where to go for help. One of the best places to detect ill treatment in children is school. Children are in contact with other children during many hours a day, and the teacher can observe them closely.
It is important to eradicate some myths to be able to see the abusive situations; the most common are:

1. Children’s  sexual abuse is unusual.
2. It is only common in alcoholic families or that consume drugs, and where there is physical violence.
3. It is not common that biological parents abuse their children. Most of the abuses are from step fathers or men that become occasional partners of the mother.
4. Most children that report an abuse, are probably reporting fantasies or things they have watched in TV or internet.
5. The sexual abuse victims are usually adolescents.
6. The sexual abuser is an unscrupulous person, not directly related to the victim.
7. Sexual abuse implies penetration and physical damage.

The sexual Abuse: is any kind of sexual conduct practiced by an adult with a child from a power and authority position. The physical contact is not necessary ( penetration, touching), but the child can be used as sexual stimulation object ( oral seduction , genitals exhibition to a kid, to have sexual intercourse in the presence of a kid, masturbation, pornography.) Children’s immaturity and vulnerability make the consent impossible. The use of physical ,emotional and /or psychological constraint is always present.
Teachers have a special position because they can watch, compare and differentiate the kid with the right development for his age from the one that has not. Can observe his relationships with other kids, with authority persons. He can observe contacts with members of his family.
Through this observation he can gather information on his social and familiar circle, previous information about the kid and his performance with previous teachers. In this way, he has elements to detect.
It is important that teachers not only detect serious situations in the life of children but also to be prepared to respond correctly to the risk situations . The first thing to do is to get over the rejection feeling generated by the sexual abuse, and beyond personal feelings, to act professionally, trying to help and not to judge, as the family abuse situations are difficult to solve and the family cannot always overcome it alone, but through social help, where schools are very often , the first important step.
Secondly, it is important to assume his ethic and legal responsibility, as he has to submit a notice of any ill treatment or risk situation to the school master and then to the corresponding jurisdiction body. To ask advice from specialized professionals is the first step that will lead to an efficient intervention.
Regarding the personal role that he has towards a kid, suspected of being ill treated or abused by relatives , it is important to:

1. Listen attentively to the kid,  and to consider his sayings seriously.
2. Calm him down , telling him it is not wrong to report what is happening to him, because it will be good for everyone in the family and, in that way, people will be able to help him.
3. Prepare a report with all the information gathered during the conversation with the child. The report will be confidential and will be assessed by superiors and managers about the right via to submit the information.
4. Look for support of other colleagues , school staff that can share and alleviate  the deep feelings generated in the teacher by such a situation. The teacher’s figure is significant in the kid’s development. One has to put the kid in first place to prevent, identify and act en case of sexual abuse.

The school should be  a protective place for the child . When a kid has been chronically  ill treated in any way, parents and/or teachers have failed in their protection responsibility .

WHAT HAPPENS TO THE CHILD?
Children that are being sexually abused can evidence many problems in their development, emotional deficits that prevent them to get the right personality development.
The problems are evidenced in their behaviour. They can have attention deficits, be aggressive with their school mates or with adults. We have to understand that these are alarm signs that something is going on in their lives that make them feel bad .Sometimes these signs “show” a possible risk situation. It is important to draw our attention to these indicators and not to think we cannot do anything.
In many cases the indicators are difficult to interpret; some are emotional ( shyness, unwillingness, emotional inhibition), others will depend on the evolutionary  stage the child is going through. In anyway, they can be observed for a long time, they persist and sometimes they get worse. The presence of one or more indicators , at a special stage of the child ‘s development, doesn’t mean that he is being abused or ill treated, but to ask advice to  professionals is the right thing to do in case of suspicion.

INDICATORS
Significant change in school performance.
Persistent aggressive behaviours.
Distant relationships with the environment.
Masturbation in public.
Inadequate sexual games for the age with other mates.
Acute pains without apparent cause.
Reluctance to leave school and go home.
Difficulties in physical or intellectual development.
Antisocial behaviours, runaways, vandalisms, thefts, etc.
Suicide attempts, depression.
Anorexic or bulimic conducts.
Hidden relationship between a child and an adult, being it exclusive, obsessive.

A TEACHER’S OBSERVATION CAN OFTEN ASSIST US TO HELP A CHILD.